i've been having these really weird dreams recently. they involve me hurting myself, using drugs, doing things that don't fit me or my personality. when i woke up today i felt disconnected, almost like,,, like i wasn't myself anymore. it's like i've been put in this body that doesn't belong to me. i have all the memories but it doesn't feel like it's me at all,,, it feels like i'm piloting someone else. i don't like this feeling at all. i thought it would go away so i've kept pretending like nothing is wrong but i'm still feeling like this as of writing this post. and to add to this, i don't agree with who this person has become. i hope i can solve this soon; i'm afraid i'll stay feeling like this forever.

i occupied myself with uni for the past few weeks and this friday i have my last exam so i've been thinking about what i'm gonna do during summer break but nothing comes to my mind,,, i hope something happens because if not all i will do is sleep for 3 months. also i didn't notice just how much time has passed, it's already july but it felt like i've done nothing this year. it's also been about half a year since i got hurt,, it's hard to even talk to people now. idk i used to be able to trust people so easily but not anymore. even though i try to do so much for others and i barely care about myself i still somehow end up alone, no matter what. maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

i thought i'd give it a bit, maybe things would pass if i just ignored everything but sadly that was not the case. days still feel like a waste, nothing seems important enough for me to even bother, and with summer just around the corner i really don't know what i will do for the next 3 months, if i even last that long. i still have no goal in mind, i still live for no reason. i feel like i need someone to hit and kick me until i come to my senses, but there isn't even one person that's close to me. not even one.

every passing day i feel like i just sink further and further. the feeling of everything being fake and insincere isn't going away and it's driving me nuts, how am i supposed to live like this? it's all her fault. i wish i never met her to begin with. i wish i never met anyone that got close to my heart. it seems trying to live on my own isn't helping as much as i thought it would, it's just not possible for me to not have anyone by my side. but i won't try again. i won't make the same mistake. i'll just have to force myself to accept i'm better off being by myself, even if i have to pretend. if not then,,, yeah.

sometimes my brain likes reminding me about specific people. i had a dream about my old friend amy that i don't talk to anymore, but still care about so so much. it made me a little sad. i always think about what-if scenarios and honestly my life would probably be better if i did things differently, but it is what it is. the dream made me think about all the people i met during my life and how nice it was to have people you can rely on, or just simply have someone to say good morning to. to be honest i don't know why i think about the past so often, it's such a waste of time. all those people are gone now, and there's nothing i can do about it. ,,,meeting new people seems like a waste of time. i always end up all alone anyway.

i haven't really done anything the past few days besides sleeping, but i visited my parents and brought my dog back with me so it's not as lonely anymore. i've been playing more again, started drakengard 3 and played the new star rail story the moment it dropped and i really enjoyed it, it's been my obsession lately. hope i can distract myself with games longer, usually i get tired and bored really fast and then i go back to rotting in bed all day,,,

wow i slept for a long time today, i completely missed my classes too but it's whatever. i usually sleep very little so it's a bit weird i slept so long, maybe even my body is giving up. oh there's always this one girl i see in my dreams, she appears with a blurred face and she just kind of hangs around until i wake up. never thought too much about it but i wonder why that is. anyways i'll see how i end up feeling today.

recently i've been feeling like i'm just observing my body from the outside, almost like i don't recognize myself anymore. i don't really know what to do about it but it's been driving me nuts. i feel like as if my brain didn't fit me anymore, it's hard to describe,,, maybe some things have to change.

the moment i woke up today i got hit with such an uneasy feeling, then i looked at my social media and it got even worse with all the depression posting. i want to delete them so badly but i know i'll be too lonely to handle it, it's the only way i socialize after all. i got up and finished working on this site just to have some way of screaming into the void. it's probably not good that instantly i poured myself a drink but who cares anymore.